‎Wednesday, ‎24 ‎January, ‎2024
Self-Audit:
Disconnect
lobotomize
cauterize


limply, held the hand, letting it fall outside the tub, cool the skin drying, a word for the dying, supplying, untying a hefty bag, plant a flag, smoke a cig, a stogie, eat a hoagie, life-coaching- boasting, coasting along, the man- breathes, wrests wrists bound at hand, guns akimbo, spit toothpick, hairpick, hat pin, duck pins, pinstripe suit- after style, gangsters- smoking jacket, Hugh HEffner-


Duckpins, ah. Imitation- a can of- snuff- rare fish eggs- the voice, scoifing- approving or, slowing- a husky whisper- a gjhost-voice, speaking in between breaths or other noises- frequent voices & noises-
visions, back-tracking, backpacking, a knack, hacking- hacky-sack- no PAC- lack- cut slack- rucksack- help me with my hoopsack? ja. gut. Vacay- permanent, psycho- whats going on internally-


trouble on the mind. noise- interference- emotional energy? psychic energy? a form of psychosis? Bad enough Neurosis- Necrotic? Not quite. Alright, not all- not 100%


not connecting. blockages? What- shortfall? shortcomings? Wisdom? Fierce? Value? Self?


Fears? Sorrow? Regret- Guilt, shame- negative feelings? negative self-appraisal? not totally- how accurate any? good bad or indifferent- goals?


whats going on internally? What is lacking? What is blocked? What is the feeling? Where is it? How to describe- is it lack of language? a misssing partner? or missing part?

God? Love? Money? Sex? Friends? Entertainment? Engagement? Approval? Feelings- MIssing POSITIVE feelings- encounters, outcomes- after NEGATIVE outcomes, encounters, etc- the breaks- thems, is.

Looking back, a mirror in one hand- hail, brush the hair, long, flowing- how am I not I! I am definitely not !! Ah, revelations. I’m with Johhny on this one. I’m starting with the Man in the Mirror- like Michael Jackson- Be Like Mike!

Well, you have to forget a lot- she says, long blonde hair, keeps brushing, pausing looking, something- she wears the look of a dissapointed, careworn, lovelorn, lackluster- philologist- a sigh, and back to brushing- for humor, only consideration, and a little No More Tangles- a bit of No More Tears, and remember that Ozzy had Children- Bats in the Belfry, Balfry, Bofry- Bath- BRB


Rubber Ducky, you’re my friend, Rubber Ducky- remember, Sesame Street- your childhood BEFORE it was ruined- Ah, Ruin. She who Ruins- A card- flick, Flicka- Bela Fleck & the Flecktones- Fleshtones- Remember, Makeup- When did I become a woman!? She mouths, unthinkingly, no- with considerable thought- at the mirror- I am two people- I am the Shadow, The Shadow Know- I am a third party- Am I? A separate person? Or NO PERSON!? AM I MAD?!


Flash- on the mirror- lines- why not- this is fiction- fantasy- imagination- This is a would-be exorcism- scoffs, when did I become a woman.indeed! This is humorism. This is an ISM. THIS IS THE ISM. An ISM I can get behind- now I remember- the second? party view- the rearview- I WILL GET BEHIND YOU, CHRISTIAN WOMAN- INDEED- THOUGH, I AM NOT I, and all that jazz.

JAZZ HANDS.
I GET BEHIND
BUTT OF THE JOKE
A JOKER
A CARD-


YES, that inverted heart shaped peach thing shake it like a salt shaker- cmon! good god, yall! yee haw pardner- Remember, Woody! and Woody! Making Whoopie! Yes, there’s a precedent for that. Titilating, Save the best for last? Holdouts. Handouts. Putting the Car before the Career, an Ear of Corn- Don’t forget the inuendio! Saints be praised! They come marching in….


Coming down the Mountain!
Drinking from the Fountain!


A Fountain pen
A Massive feather-
A big fancy hat-
Basically Puss in Boots.

twitch- the cat-tail- words have layers of meaning- complicated math to understand, everything- complex, human equation- naming convention- who am I? What shall be the sign? Control? Automatic? Intentional? Follow the Leader? Hate for hand & Pen- The PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD- get it?

PEN IS !? GOD!


Who am I?
A follower?
A devoteee?
a nameless, faceless-
*Herein lies the problem,* on your grave-
fireflies- grave- tombstone, pizza- remember- grave-
I see me going down, down- in the darkness- there are too many images- some I follow, some I name- without convention, without purpose- you see- that is the thing- define the will- answer the questions- what matters? Have you died? are you dead now?

DO YOU YET LIVE?
ALL THESE QUESTIONS
WAITING TO DIE


How about conjure- summons- subpoena- what is your fantasy? using your mind cleverly? wishing to be witty? wise words from a fool- a fool- do I have to be a fool- why, why, why….
why not!?


The fool would know himself- he would become wise- he or she or it- the incidence of a person- hood- personality, as an aside- apropos of nothing- the persona, mask- ego- thoughts of self- scattered images- an idea or concept- feelings- sensory apparatus- sense- objects-

MENTAL IMAGES
THOUGHTS- IDEAS
FEELINGS – SENSATIONS
OBJECTS & APPARATUS
THE SENSES & THEIR OBJECTS
OHO!


OUR HOLY ORDER
AUM!
AMN!
AH!
WHAT IS THIS!?


AM I MAD?
No, not really….
pretty sane actually=
am I lazy? unmotivated? uneducated? undisciplined? unhingerd? unmasked? unmoored? unmoved? ungood? ungodly? uni-code, omni-directional & omnidimensional- aye, I. LETTER I EYE PERIOD AYE AYE CAPT

HOW MUCH MORE CAN I UNCOMPLICATE,

I ME ME MY
ME MYSELF I
I & I
JIVA-ATMA
Soul & Supersoul
Little & Big Mind?
the Good Mind?
Lets switch- Imagery-

I MAGE

Lots of Visions- depending on visions- lots of confusion- signal to noise- actual pain- human stuff, animal level stuff- basic psychology- rudiments- fundaments- ELEMENTS- ALIMENTARY, BUTTMAN! BASIC-BASIC- ON & ON- THE DOUBLE- ASTRAL PLANE THINGS- MENTAL ACTIVITY-
This itself is too much- and not enough- its noise- signal to noise- mixed memories, metaphors, ideas, looking for answers, keys- to hit on some winning combination- oh, to win!
so, this is it.
lie down in the hole
now, finally, pink coffin and all
you finally cough and look well at your hand-
the playing cards in the hand
the cigarrette back between your lips
hat tipped- and back to the maculine imagery- switched-
oddly this person is both, male & female, BOTH ALIVE & DEAD
SCHROEDINGER’S FUCK!

this again is ‘TOO MUCH & NOT ENOUGH’

NEVER SATISFIED
CHEESE & PEPPERONI ON THE TOMBSTONE
Maybe I’m Mexican- Aculpulco Gold- Poncho VIlla- Alamo, Alameida, CALIFORNIA- GOLD RUSH

Dressed in white shirt, yellow cape- gunslinger- draws & shoots- this is what I picture, from pieces- am I shot? is it memory? is it a construct? is it a channel? is it current? am I in danger? is this me? or memory? or what? or am I shot ? and kilt- in the ground you go! dumping bodies into holes! how morbid! How easy to be the writer of horror! The challenge, is WRITING ONESELF SANE! OH, THE TASK! a ribbon tied around a thing, for memory- a basket- a tree, in a child’s hair- around a bunny’s neck- a bow- on a present- a ribbon, tied in a bow, putting your finger on the knot- the bunny-ears, tying your shoes- memories- thanks for the memories- mammaries-mmmmammy- will this force me to reincarnate!? Force? ha! there is no force! Now, my writer’s voice (internal) definitely has the Mexicali accent, to imply or suggest a very masculine mustache. dark sweaty skin, tasting around the mouth- This is, strange.

First I’m nobody, eh, trying to find a position in space-time- trying to connect or ground or understand more clearly what’s going on internally- is this the wild west? is this the American revolution? is this 2024?
What? Then, I’m a girl with long straight dirty-blonde hair,existentially brushing in the mirror- first a hand-mirror, then a fill sized oval vanity- vanity plates- is the girl’s name Vanity? Why not. What happened? Cycles- predictable, unpredictable- raw, unfocused- what- Dangerous times? More now than 400 years ago? Who’s to say?


What? Then, I’m a Mexican guy? I have no idea what’s going on- or am I lying? telling stories- directing movies- or seeking direction- all these seeming energies, chaos, as it were- first a soulmate- a nemesis- another version of myself- someone with whom I share a link- or soul-qualities- other minds, other souls- living & dead- going in and out of scenes- wardrobe changes- staging, blocking, moving- singing, speaking- SHOOTING- CUT! WHATEVER IS REQUIRED-

FIRE FOR EFFECT-
REMEMBERING THE WARZONE
ALL BLOCKED OFF
A NO MAN’S LAND
A SORT OF DEMILITARIZED ZONE
THE ZONE
THE IN-BETWEEN STATE
HACKING IT
HOING IT
A GO OF IT
GO OFF
GO ON
GONE

GONE BEYOND

ALL THIS RELIGION
PHILOSOPHY LACKING
WISDOM & UNDERSTANDING LACKING
DIRECTION & PURPOSE LACKING
DETAILS & COHESION LACKING
CAUGHT LACKING!
AND SCENE!

DEAD IN A VIDEO GAME

IMAGINE

References, POP! MANY
A GREAT & MANY THINGS
10,000 things, the WORLD
SO YOU WANT TO BE A FOOL
SO YOU WOULD BECOME WISE
WISER THAN I, MORE WORLDLY
MORE SUCCESSFUL- HAVING ACCOMPLISHED
WHAT I HAVE NOT- EXPERIENCED- HAVING
WHAT I LACK- POSSESSING- DEMON- ON GOD

HANDS UP

hit by a car might be quick like
deer in the headlights- the deadlights-
fed lights- flash back- acid flask- black out-
oil slick, matchstick, flash quick- from the pan,
to the fire- flame- blazing- kiln- use of this power-
Life & Death- REMEMBER! WAY BACK! WAY!
Swerve & crash, probably- is this current- recent- immediate? one never knows-
Does it happen? is it a car-ghost- revenants- relevance- resonance- with a place-
MOST BASIC- OCCAM’S RAZOR- REDUCTIONISTHEORY- PRIDE OF THE MIND-
OTHER VISIONs- DARK VISIONS- ENLIGHTEN- MEANING- FLASH ON MEANING-

GRADUATED UNDERSTANDING- EDUCATION- REALIZATION- A PATH FORWARD- A GOAL- OR SEVERAL- A WAY, OF ATTACKING- ENCOUNTERING, COUNTERING- ACCOUNTING FOR- ‘MY’

-MY PERSON- BASIC ATTRIBUTIONS- PERSONALITY- BASIC APPROXIMATION-
PLACE & THINGS- & STUFf- personal possessions- OWNERSHIP- OWN- WYRD.
GETTING OUT- GETTING UNSTUCK- EARTHING PRACTICES- HERMETIC PRAXIS-
PRAXEOLOGY-
GO AHEAD & ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS-
CHELA
APPRENTICE
JUNIOR-
YOU WILL NOT GET OVER ON
GET UP
23-32
34-43
45-54….This is definitely ‘MIDDLE AGE’ THE MIDDLE AGES! THE DARK AGES! THE GODDAMN JOKE!
NOBODY EVER KNOWS. TO KNOW IS TO NOT BE ALIVE AS A PERSON. REPLAYING THE PAST- WRESTING CONTROL- SCHEMES- IMAGES- JOKES- CARDS- CHARACTERS- AND SUCH. SUFFICE-
ANGEL, SPIRIT, PHANTOM, SHADE, SPRITE, WIGHT- WHATEVER- MAN, WOMAN, CHILD, GHOST, PERSON, SHELL, SOUL- WHATEVER, WHICHEVER, WHOMEVER- FOREVER & EVER- NEVER-
BREAKDOWN


WORDS, LANGUAGE- COMMUNICATION- EXCHANGE OF INFORMATION – YES, reading & writing- yes, speech & gesticulation, or by gesture- movements, all. BEETHOVEN. BEETS. BEATS BY DRE- ALL RIGHTS RESERVED- DON’T SUE A BROTHER ON CREATIVE COMMONS


HUNG UP- HANGUPS, HANGOUTS- HUNG LIKE OM MANI PADME- HM! and things that make ya go! Hummin’ along- Hummingbirds- flies- maggots- we need movement- we need life- life produces forms- basic- basis- BASSIST- BASED- BUILDING BLOCKS- MAYBE THAT’s DNA! MAYBE IT’S MAYBELINE? MAYBE SO MAYBE NOT- POP! CULTURE SHOCK-


Push & shove, velvet glove- inspection- PRINCE, Le Artiste- purple rain- fairly clear images of deceased celebrities- often imitated, never replicated-


Caught under wheels- and the cart wheels roll along- respect to the accomplished few, the experienced few- the wise & understanding lot- the good kind- the well-to-do- and those that know, and yet draw breath, and read with fleshy eyes, between the lines- and know the demon there- drawing it’s own wavy thorn-like lines- dark energy all the way down to the heat & the hot part, and talk about densities.